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What is it about nice people that attract total idiots?Nice people are martyrs. Idiots are evangelists.


Monday, July 24, 2017

Weekend catch up

So many of you who know us through FB know we had a birthday party for Miss Lilly Saturday (in the park... I think it was the 22nd of July...)

Alas, due to the fact that a: it's been to hot outside to use it, and b: I was in forget-my-head mode all day, my camera batteries were dead.  So Laurie took a few, but after she dropped a frosting-heavy cupcake on her phone, her pics got a bit "ghosty":

But my daughter Shenan captured the winner as Peanut kept trying for my blueberry caffeine juicer:

I have to tell the story of a little neighbor of the kids' who is a bit... well, clingy.  She's 8 years old, and makes like everyone she meets is the love of her life, which gets her chased away by a lot of people.  But I figure I have some karma to work off from the way I was with my brother in law as a little brat, so I generally don't mind.  We were a few yards away from what would later be the main event- the park's splash pad- and she was in a hurry to get someone, ANYONE, interested in moving up the proceedings.  Unfortunately for her, we adults were content in the shade, ice cream, cupcakes, and presents had yet to be divvied up, so no one was particularly interested, including myself.

I was sitting at a picnic table with KC, casually jawing about stuff the rest of the assembled multitude cared little about, when little blondie throws her arms around my neck from behind and innocently says, "I want you."

I sputtered out an "EXCUSE me???", KC laughs and says, "I'll bet you haven't heard that for a while!"  She continued to try to dislodge me from my seat in her little kung fu grip, and say's "You're too strong!"  To which one of us- I forget whether KC or me- said, "That one, either!!"


Later that night as the air cooled to within breathable limits, Scrappy and I made a 10 PM walk.  Without light there was no need to bring the charged but still-useless camera, so let me tell you the fun.

On hitting the Plex grounds, Mr Groundhog runs past.

Down the road, Mr Bat circled overhead, keeping us bug free.

Three quarters of the way to California Road, at least two deer silhouetted in the lights of the new barn.

At the point where the swamp spills over California Road, a bullfrog- I am not exaggerating, fully the size of Scrappy's head- takes three hops in front of us, splashing down right in front of Scrappy.  Boofus casually sniffed the huge amphibian, who then decided he'd stopped in better joints and took two more hops into the swamp.

On the way back, one deer runs across the Plex's south lot.  Later, at the edge of the new soccer fields, three more looked at us in the darkness.


Monday though, it was nice enough for a daylight walk.  So we set out, curious at what we'd find after a Sunday afternoon t-storm that flooded the back yard for several minutes.

The Bunny Summer continues...

We ended up walking past him from about 5 feet away.  Scrappy was oblivious, so Bugs didn't care.

This one, though, Boofus saw him take off- which was interesting enough to run after him for about 5 feet.

And while we got some wind, we got a lot more rain.  In the woods, apparently, things were reversed.

Actually got a swallowtail to pose...

Not near the water damage I was expecting.  Lots of tie-dyed mud, no ruts.

Coming to where Dead Tree Road exits the woods, a whole herd of deer!

two does, two fawns- who posed...

...and a young buck, who did not.

Mr Indigo Bunting followed us around

Lotsa frogs at the swamp- but the turtles cleared out when the algae got thick

In case you ever wondered how thick high-tension wire was...

Which leads me to a quick work update:  They aren't doing much during soccer season.  This means the gates are still closed (except the ones I keep leaving open) and the road needs fixed back up, and three or four old towers and most of the platforms still need removed.  However, intrepid walkers can make it down quite easily through open gates and shredded fencing.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Sunday Message: Luther and Excuses

Some things you know from instinct- some you learn- and some you find from conflict.  I always knew there was God, and Jesus.  My mom's faith in going through her prayer book every morning, going to church every week, and eventually going to Catholic school managed most of it.  But at a young age, I knew I needed a Bible to figure things out.  And being a Catholic family, the Bible just wasn't on the short list of things to have around.

My first Bible was a New Testament/Psalms  the Gideons passed out when we were in 7th grade.  I soon acquired a ubiquitous Good News:  The Bible In Modern English, and the questions started.

I am now reading the Martin Luther bio Here I Stand  by Roland Bainton, and I have found that Martin and Martin had a lot in common.  Luther was willing to give himself to serving God; but he could not resolve the conflict between a Holy God and miserable, sinful man.  A Catholic MIGHT tell you, "Well, Luther got mad about indulgences-for-money, and tore the Church apart as a result."  And for many of them, that would be a watered-down-language version.  But it wasn't the full story, not by half.  His conflict began with not being able to accept Christ's mercy because of seeing Jesus as Judge.  After many attempts to aid him in his conflict, his mentor basically gave him a Bible and told him to take over as the monastery's Bible Teacher- a form of Physician heal thyself.

And it worked.  He devoured the Bible, and as he did, it not only settled his inner conflict of faith by showing him, in the author's words, that the Cross fused Justice and Mercy into one; but it also laid bare the other conflicts in the Roman Church, and convicted him that the Bible should be the ultimate guide, interpretable by any who read in faith.  And this is how the conflict began.

"I am not so audacious that for the sake of a single obscure and ambiguous decretal (Papal pronouncement) of a human Pope I would recede from so many and such clear testimonies of divine Scripture.  For as one of the Canon Lawyers has said, 'in a matter of faith, not only is a council above a pope, but any one of the faithful, if armed with better authority and reason.' " The Cardinal Cajetan) reminded Luther that Scripture has itself to be interpreted. The pope is the interpreter.  The pope is above a council, above everything in the Church.  "His Holiness abuses Scripture," Luther retorted.  "I deny he is above Scripture."  The Cardinal flared up and bellowed that Luther should leave and never come back unless he was ready to say "Revoko"- I recant. (Bainton, p 73)

As Luther's battle continued towards the Diet of Worms, he was challenged by his debater on Papal decretals- and as he read them, he only became more convinced he was doing the right thing.  And as if to convince me, after I had told Laurie the story I read my e-mails.  I get daily devotionals from Pastors David Jeremiah and Chuck Swindoll- and BOTH of them that day touched on the infallibility of Scripture.  Martin's First rule- if God tells you something twice, PAY ATTENTION!

And that leads me into the other book I am reading, physicist Michio Kaku's Parallel Worlds.  Without committing to either side- yet- he touches on both sides of the argument of whether there is indicated in modern cosmological theory a divine Creator necessitated.  He points out the hundreds of "Goldilocks Zones" the earth falls into- the narrow range in which life could have possibly develop.  The planet's distance from the sun, the size of the moon needed to stabilize rotation, the size Jupiter needed to be to sweep all the asteroids out of inner space, the magnetic field strength, the right mass to impart just enough gravity to keep the "good" gases in and let the toxic ones escape-  even the distance from the galactic core to prevent too much radiation.  And yet, you have statements like this:

From Nobel Laureate Steven Weinberg:  The strong anthropic ("Must be a creator") theory is "little more than mystical mumbo-jumbo."

And Alan Guth of MIT: "I find it hard to believe that anybody would use the anthropic principle if he had a better explanation for something... the anthropic principle is something that people do if they can't think of anything better to do."

But here's the thing:  the only argument so far given AGAINST Divine Creation is the Law of Large Numbers:  Among hosts of galaxies and billions of dead planets that are out there that we KNOW of, odds are we just got lucky.  They never connect this end of the snake to the other- Even if their theories prove sound, where did the m-branes, the dimensions that connect, the plank distances- where did THEY come from?  How were they set?  Logically, you CAN'T come to the beginning of EVERYTHING until you hit something eternal that began it all.  And there, you hit that which is unexplainable by man.

Except, as Luther might say, through Scripture.

Romans 1:20-  For from the creation of the world the invisible things of Him are clearly seen, being understood through the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Time Machine co-ordinates VIXII43972168

Damn, Chester...


So here we are in Summer 1968- about 6 weeks away  from that well-behaved Democratic Convention of legend.  It is July 21st, and for the first time in a while we hear those once familiar words- "We had a plane crash today".  This time it was an Aeroflot (Soviet) Antonov AN-2, in bad weather pasting itself against the side of a mountain.  The Soviet report on the crash was kinda interesting;  they blamed first the ignoring of a rule that said,  "bypassing the lightning and storm centers of the clouds at low altitudes in mountain areas and night shall be prohibited. "   Then, the  duty forecaster didn't get updated forecasts before leaving; the dispatcher didn't change the course or contact his manager when HE got news of the weather; and finally, the telegraph operators that didn't get the forecast to the dispatcher who ignored it fast enough.  Oh, and nobody had proper training.

That is obviously a "before" picture.  Both crew and a dozen passengers were killed.

Travelling through the space-time continuum is much safer, though, so buckle in as we run into:  3 new M10 debuts; another new # of Panel contestants record; a supergroup you may have missed out on in the StatPack; a Bond movie that wasn't a Bond movie, and what it has to do with the 6D; and Baby Come Back at #1- no, not THAT Baby Come Back!  Plus more of the top acts of summer in the ME2.0!


We have a lot of contestants to get to, but first, here's the first of this week's debuts on the M10.  You have Laurie to partially thank for this, because I was at flip a coin mode between two songs here at #10, and Laurie decided in favor of Nashville's Amanda Bantug, who records under just the last name.

And since this is NOT a picture of Amanda, let me dig one up for you of the lovely youngster:


So Terry Kirkman of the Association has graciously come in as our POTM to do the list of candidates for this week's vote.  Thanks, Terry!

Sure thing, man.

So this week we had 70 stations- which is actually a drop- but 28 songs on the candidate list, a new record!

28?  Wow, that's a lot...

Yes, so I thought I would help things out for the readers by having you start with all the one-vote songs first, instead of the usual alphabetical.

Say, is this gonna be like, y'know, school?

No, Terry.  Just read the songs on the list I give you.  It's all the one vote tunes.  Then I'll come in and give the others.

Hey!  That's one... two... a LOT of songs!  You want me to read all that?

Is that a problem?

My agent said this was gonna be a two-three minute deal tops.  Anything over and I get paid overtime.  Do you pay overtime?

Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Kirkman!  Thanks for stopping by, and I'll go ahead and read those lists.
Friend and Lover, the band, hit with Reach Out Of The Darkness (y'know, "I think it's so groovy now, people are finally gettin' together") at #12 on this week's Cashbox national chart.
Chicago's The Radiants were bubbling at #109 with Hold On.
The Dells were at #40 with Stay In My Corner.
Three spots below them were the Rascals with People Got To Be Free.

The Cowsills were in the top ten at #8 with Indian Lake.  You'd think with this many songs the top ten would be really banging it, but half the top ten combined for just 3 votes, and two of 'em got shut out totally.
Paul Revere and the Raiders were at #25 with Don't Take It So Hard.
South Africa's one hit wonder Hilary Archibald got a vote for a tune called Sunglasses.
The Animals with one of my faves of theirs at #20, Sky Pilot.
The Ohio Express had Yummy Yummy Yummy at #14.
Gary Lewis and the Playboys were covering Sealed With A Kiss at #50.
Engelbert Humperdinck fell out of the hot 100 last week with Man Without  Love.  I guess that's appropriate.
Also having fallen out back in June was an excellent song by the Bob Seger System, 2+2=?
Steppenwolf's Born To Be Wild was just climbing, down at #88.
Next come two more one-vote songs from the top ten- Merrilee Rush and Angel Of The Morning at #6, and Cliff Nobles and Co. with The Horse at #4.
Vanilla Fudge was also in the just climbing phase with You Keep Me Hanging On at #86.
Status Quo- the owners of the very first M10 #1- were at #24 with Pictures Of Matchstick Men.
Jerry Butler was at #21 with Never Give You Up.
And finally, a band called Fever Tree had peaked back in May with a tune called San Francisco Girls.  Whether he meant real girls or cross dressers I'm not sure.

And that leaves us a few multi vote candidates to actually consider.  But since this took so long, let's go back to the video...


Two songs from which I expect maximum advancement debut in the 7th and 8th slots.  The song at #8 comes to us from Austin, TX's Cotton Mather:


All right, now about those contestants- this time in alphabetical order:

Mason Williams' Classical Gas, which sat at #30;
Hugh Masekela's version of Grazing In The Grass at #5;
The Doors with Hello I Love You at #15;
Donovan's Hurdy Gurdy Man at #9;
The Stones With Jumpin' Jack Flash at the CB top spot;
Gary Puckett and the Union Gap with Lady Willpower at #3;
Cream and Sunshine Of Your Love, falling at #42;
Herb Alpert's This Guy's In Love With You, # 2 this week;
and the Vogues with Turn Around, Look At Me at #17.

Now there was a tight race all around this week, and the top four went 10-9-8-7.  So your bottom line choices go to Mason Williams, the Doors, the Stones, or the Union Gap.  Choose well...


The one book by Ian Fleming that the main creators of the Bond movies didn't have the rights to was Casino Royale.  And the producer that did wanted to do it in association with them, but they refused.  So he decided to make a farce of it- and a farce it became, as dozens of name actors clamored for parts in what they thought would be a legit 007 movie.  Among those who got anything from a starring role to an uncredited hand shot were:  Orson Welles, John Huston (whose young daughter Anjelica got her first film role in the aforementioned hand shot), Deborah Kerr, Charles Boyer, Jacqueline Bisset (in a role first offered to Joan Collins), Peter O'Toole, Dave Prowse (later Darth Vader, this time Frankenstein), Geraldine Chaplin (Charlie's daughter), and Elke Sommer.

In addition, the movie contained no less than seven Bonds- David Niven as the real thing, recently retired; Peter Sellers; Joanna Pettit (as Mata Bond, daughter of James and Mata Hari); Ursula Andress; Daliah Law; Woody Allen (as Bond's nephew); and Terence Cooper.

The real fun on the set came because Sellers wanted to play it straight, raised all sorts of havoc on set, and finally left before it was finished, necessitating some creative screenplay.  Woody Allen was made wait so long for his part, he got mad and flew back to NYC in costume, and decided he would direct himself from now on as a result.  Orson Welles got under Seller's skin so bad that even the scenes they shared had to be filmed separately with body-doubles.  Two stories arose as to the cause, in one, Sellers was miffed that Welles demanded to get to do magic trick in his scenes.  The other involved Princess Margaret visiting the set.  Apparently Sellers made a big to-do of greeting her when she arrived- and she walked right past him to fuss over Welles.  And as the cherry on the cake, retried Formula One racer Stirling Moss had a part.  He was ordered to "follow that car", which he did- on foot.

What does any of this have to do with music?   Well, the song that is this week's 6D victim- The Look Of Love, by Sergio Mendes and Brasil '66- was on the soundtrack!


And now, the next 5 biggest acts of summer!

A 24th place tie between two HOFers leads us off-

...Marvin Gaye...

...and Ray Charles!

Then at #23, we have...

...Elton John (long time since I used the duck picture)!

Number 22...

...Tommy James and the Shondells!

And out of left field at #21, a band that hit early with two big hits in the day....

...Les Baxter and his Orchestra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And there lies the fun of going that far back....


One more debut, from an lp coming out TODAY- at #7, here is Foster The People...


Stat Pack:  At 101- but not for long, was the latest incarnation of a soul supergroup called Soul Clan, with a song called Soul Meeting.  This group started out with founder Solomon Burke, Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett, Don Covay, and Joe Tex.  Burke's concept was to use the profits to invest in improving inner cities- a great idea, but Burke's dreams were a tad grandiose for Pickett, who left about the same time that Redding was killed.  They were replaced by Arthur (Sweet Soul Music) Conley and Ben E King.

According to Burke, the project fizzled when the power structure realized these guys, requested an advance of $1 million to invest in the Black communities in the South, and wanted to do more than make a record.[8] Although the "Soul Meeting" single made it to #34 on Billboard's soul singles chart in July 1968, Burke alleges "the record was stopped and banned...we were going against the grain of what black entertainers are supposed to do. We were all just supposed to go out and buy red Cadillacs. We weren't supposed to go out and start talking about spending millions of dollars on building and developing... We were supposed to talk about having parties and good times and eatin' barbecue ribs. You know, pork chops."  (wiki)

The 68 at 68 was one of my favorites of the Bubblegum genre, 1910 Fruitgum Company's 1-2-3 Red Light.  It was a top ten hit across the English-speaking world- except in the UK, where they only ever charted with the earlier Simon Says.

Speaking of the UK, their chart was topped by Baby Come Back- by a band called the Equals, who would chart at #32 here in October.  The highest there that was charting here was Yummy X 3, which was 14 here and 5 there; the flip was Jumpin' Jack Flash, #1 here but #9 there.

And, I knew 36 songs on the hot 100 this week.  And just to show off, 4 of the Bubbling unders.


And the remainder of the M10:

Kidsmoke and Northern Faces both see their former #1s slide in their 8th weeks on the chart.  And Mine Alone from 5 to 9; Messin' With Me from 4 to 6.

Alkonost edges up a pair to #5 with Mouth.

Moon Taxi also slips this week, down to #4 with Two High.

Caught In the updraft, Quiet Hollers surges to #3 with Funny Ways.

Public Access TV moves into the runner up slot with Monaco.

And this week, we have our first three-week #1 since Foxygen's Follow The Leader back in February-

...and of course, that's courtship. with Sunroof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the winner of the menagerie of Panel picks- again-

...the Stones and Jumpin' Jack Flash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Their ten beat out Lady Willpower with 9, the Doors with 8, and Gas's seven.

(But, don't expect them to foist Charlie Watts off on me NEXT week!)

And that next week will be in 1969... no Bryan Adams required!  Be there!

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Martin World Update

I wasn't planning on posting today, but some curious things have come up that I wanted to share before they get to old or well spread.

First is a story that I KNOW is not funny, but...  In Ohio, a truck driver was killed when a woman in a Kia, who stopped but apparently didn't look both ways, pulled into his path.  It flipped the semi on its side, where it slid for quite aways before being struck again by a brand new Volvo.  The trucker died, the Kia driver in the hospital.  The Volvo guy treated and released, which certainly seems to back up Volvo safety claims.  But the part that would get me another thousand years in Purgatory were I still Catholic is the prospective headline:  "Trucker killed after being hit by Kia and Volvo."

Next came a local story about Coldwater Road and the endless construction snarling it.  At one point in the article, we get treated to this expert analysis:

"With around 27,000 vehicles using Coldwater Road per day, the lane restrictions will cause delays."

We follow that up with cyber-suicide:  A security robot (yes, you read that right) at a suburban WDC Mall went where no robot has gone before...

Down the steps and into the drink, to short itself out.  Shortly thereafter the late K5's manufacturer issued a statement on its behalf:

BREAKING NEWS: "I heard humans can take a dip in the water in this heat, but robots cannot. I am sorry," said K5 in an official statement.

Other wags pointed out that this discovery leads one to believe that Will Smith might have went about I Robot the wrong way.

And since this reminds me so much of one of my ten reasons I should have been the next Doctor Who, I'll bring up a story Bobby G pointed out:

Feminist critic Anita Sarkeesian, who harassed her critics during a recent panel at VidCon, took issue with the Doctor’s newest regeneration. Writing on the official Feminist Frequency account on Twitter, Sarkeesian condemned Doctor Who for being an “overwhelmingly white show” that simply isn’t doing enough to fix the issue of minority representation in the media–as if it is the show’s duty to address social problems.

“It needs to be said that [Doctor Who] is still an OVERWHELMINGLY white show and that issues of representation do not exist in isolation from each other,” she began. “It’s not as if you fix the ‘woman’ problem, THEN fix the ‘race’ problem, THEN the ‘queer/trans’ problem, etc. It all has to happen in tandem.”

Sarkeesian strongly implied that the new Doctor must be intersectional–a transgender woman of color.

As politely as I can, I would suggest that if she thinks this is the right thing to do, and is convinced someone not in a rubber room would want to watch it, perhaps she should do her own show.  She can even star in it, with a little makeup help from Rachel Dolezal and Cai-Bru Jenner.  I hope that doesn't add to the "harassment" she has faced from all the gamers she pissed off because she doesn't like how women are portrayed there-  besides the violence and death and such.

Now let me make one thing clear.  Do I have a problem with a female Doctor?  Not a huge one, though I would have chosen a different one.  In fact, a candidate that went through my mind appeared in the last season finale- a Time Lord whom the Doctor shot (after making sure he had regenerations to spare), who regenerated into a tough black woman who upon making the transition said something along the lines of, "How do they stand all that EGO?!?"   I think she would have made an EXCELLENT Doctor, and I'm willing to give Jodie Whitaker her chance.  HOWever, I am not for the concept of giving every freak, weirdo, pervert, and genuinely confused person with a DNC membership card a shot out of some mistaken ideal of equality.  At a certain point, these people need to say, "I made the choice to be NON-mainstream.  Why am I insisting on diluting that choice by shoehorning myself INTO the mainstream?"  Outside of even the religious objections to such peccadilloes, some people just do not WANT your choice shoved in THEIR faces.

And that is my main objection.  The Doctor as a character doesn't act as he/she does because of an agenda.  He doesn't want to make himself feel normal by turning normal upside down.  As he told the Master, "I do it because... it's KIND."

And that's why this world is in the crap filled, hate divided shape it's in.  Everyone's got their agenda, their banner that they want to stuff up the other guy's nose.  I don't need your flag up my nose, I already have buggers.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Martin World News

Usually MWN indicates a fun, lighthearted post.  But today, stupid has taken on an unfunny, even dark, look.

The first thing I saw on the news today was that a woman who had her gender-reveal party shot up by two guys in masks- wasn't really pregnant.  And police say every step of their investigation has been met with one lie or another.  Next, I saw Dr. Carmen A. Puliafito, the  former dean of USC’s Keck School of Medicine has been living a life of hard drugs, prostitutes and ODs- and one OD, of a young lady in his company just three weeks before he resigned his $1.1 million a year job, blew the lid off of it.  Right next to that, the Mayor of holier than thou Seattle is being called on to resign after the openly gay politician has been exposed as a past (at least) sexual abuser of young boys, including his own foster son.

In the meantime, we also have a police shooting that really boggles the mind.  An Australian woman living in the US was shot by a Minneapolis cop.  She had reported something, the cops arrived in her alleyway to investigate.  She came out in her PJs and leaned in the driver's side window- and the cop in passenger seat apparently shot her THRU THE DOOR.   Not racial- she was white-  not violent- she taught meditation- and not recorded- because the cops for some mysterious reason did NOT have their body cameras on!

And in breaking news, Laurie's bro-in-law just stopped in to do something for us and got an insurance call, which he explained to us.  It seems that while his insurance paid for his colonoscopy at Parkview, they would NOT pay for Parkview's in-house analysis, which is contracted in house.  And you want ME to get one?  Yeah, right.  Not before I e-mail our HR and check on this...

And then you have the 67-year old lady who passed her eye irritation off as "old age", only to find she had 27 disposable contact lenses stuck in her eye- welded together by mucus into bundles of 17 and 10.  And you think I'M getting contacts?  I'm doubting that...

But on the light side, how about this?  Winnie The Pooh has been banned in China....

I TOLD you that going-without-pants thing was going to get you in trouble...
No, actually, it's because a little ol' meme maker has discovered that Pooh looks a lot like Chinese President Xi Jinping.  For example... he is with former President Obama...

...and again with Japanese President Abe.

Xi should actually be happy to be associated with a friendly cartoon creature.  Here in the US, we got Godzilla and Moth-Ra...

Finally, I did discover that I haven't been receiving my former Nigerian money-mails because my inbox was set to delete spam without me seeing it.  Well, I wanna see it, and so I turned it back on, and soon got my money mails back.  In fact, I got a couple of options.  The first was for $10.5 million....

You really have to stop dealing with those people that are contacting you and telling you that your fund is with them, it is not in anyway with them, they are only taking advantage of you and they will dry you up until you have nothing.
The only money I paid after I met Lawyer John Smith was just US$450 for the paper works, take note of that.

So I'm paying $450 to get $10.5 mill on this one.  But on the OTHER one...

I have registered your to Western Union this morning and we agreed up that your sum of $8.5M in Transfer within 24 hours, will take place Tomorrow morning so kindly reconfirm your information,and only fee is $75 dollars,your MTCN: (1566731111)
Mr John Eze

So the second offer I'm getting $133,000 for each dollar spent, rather than just the $23,000 for the other one.  Now if I can just get them to send it in $1 packets....

BREAKING:  Just got a survey with the following question:

Note- a CHILD who suffers from....

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Why I should have been the new Doctor

So I wake up from my nap, and find that the sonic screwdriver that has rested comfortably on my headboard for months is lying somehow on the floor.  Going downstairs, I find that a woman, Jodie Whitaker, is the new Doctor.  While I am not crushed in my male ego, I just wonder what effect on the timelines this will have...

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.  In the meantime, I wonder why I wasn't selected- other than the fact I never auditioned.  Here are ten good reasons I should have been the 13th Doctor:

1- I HAVE a sonic screwdriver

So it's a model year behind.  Like John Hurt said, "Different casing, same programming."

2- I understand Timey-Whimey stuff

I was taught chronal mechanics by Marvel comics.  Totally necessary when debating John Calvin.

3- Scrappy!

Think about it!  Not only is he a great companion, but what if he was the Master's next incarnation?  Get it- the Master being the pet and the Doctor being the... master?

4- I already have a unique, Doctor -ready look:

5- New Location- Fort Wayne, Indiana

Because come on, how many times can you destroy London?

6- Like the Doctor, I have tried to drive with the parking brake on...

7-  Who really thinks fish fingers and custard goes together?  With me, it would be...

8- Unlike every other incarnation, I know the BEST way to beat Daleks...

Tip the damn thing over, roll his guns away from you.  Exterminate THAT, dumbass!

9- A Midol shortage need not endanger the world....

...however, a Pepsi shortage could get a bit dicey...

And Number 10-

...if the lock is wood, I'm not afraid to break a window....